Not a question but it was said to me multiple times after I left.

Look at my “why didn’t you tell anyone?” and “how could you put up with that?” posts after you read this, they give more on my mindset being in an abusive marriage…and staying.

Here are more thoughts:

My mind, my soul, my body, were in persistent defense mode. What would set him off? What would he do to me after a night out and something tiny pissed him off? If his day was shit, my day was shit. He isolated me from my (granted very dysfunctional) family. That’s one trick abusers are expert at: carve doubt where a bit already exists, not to help their victim…to exploit them.

Later, my care for my kids was this ridiculously conflicting surge of protective courage and paralyzing doubt. I was young when I got married and had my first child at 21. I was not fully grown ffs.
He had a lot of influence on me because of the family I came from, isolating me from resolving my own family problems, and that familiar to us all since the election…a fire hose of barrages of abuse. Oh, and you know how you often see the better parts of other families before you know them in the beginning? That.

There were parts of my thinking that warped over time into an outwardly expressed persona that i didn’t recognize because i was so convinced my vows were law, which meant “I made my bed” etc. So i was going along to get along as they say somewhere. And because I was a wife in the 80s, in Texas, in another deeply dysfunctional family, married to an insecure violent man who found my passionate, liberal, kind, often positive outlook something intolerable (and his thinking was supported by a culture that did not care about my survival) i stayed.

These posts may or may not stir anyone’s heart about #whywomendontreport or #whyistayed. My hope is the next time someone hears about a woman who has been abused in any way, they’ll recognize: her complete focus is on staying alive.

The full series is here:

  1. DV A Series
  2. Trust Your Gut
  3. DV Is Common
  4. How Could You Put Up With That?
  5. Why didn’t you tell anyone?
  6. What did you do?
  7. You stayed so long, it couldn’t have been that bad
  8. Why are you playing the victim?
  9. Why can’t you just get over it?
  10. Why didn’t you call the police?
  11. Bruises fade. The impact of DV lasts for decades
  12. How to help someone heal after Domestic Violence
  13. DV, a leading cause of homelessness
  14. Why does it all still bother you? (Flipping the question | Ask the right questions)
  15. Why can’t you let your anger go? (Flipping the question | Ask the right questions)
  16. How could you put up with that? (Flipping the question | Ask the right questions)
  17. Why didn’t you tell anyone? (Flipping the question | Ask the right questions)
  18. You stayed so long it couldn’t have been that bad (Flipping the question | Ask the right questions)
  19. Why are you playing the victim? (Flipping the question | Ask the right questions)
  20. Why can’t you just get over it? (Flipping the question | Ask the right questions)
  21. Why didn’t you call the police? (Flipping the question | Ask the right questions)