Not a question but it was said to me multiple times after I left.
Here are more thoughts:
My mind, my soul, my body, were in persistent defense mode. What would set him off? What would he do to me after a night out and something tiny pissed him off? If his day was shit, my day was shit. He isolated me from my (granted very dysfunctional) family. That’s one trick abusers are expert at: carve doubt where a bit already exists, not to help their victim…to exploit them.
Later, my care for my kids was this ridiculously conflicting surge of protective courage and paralyzing doubt. I was young when I got married and had my first child at 21. I was not fully grown ffs.
He had a lot of influence on me because of the family I came from, isolating me from resolving my own family problems, and that familiar to us all since the election…a fire hose of barrages of abuse. Oh, and you know how you often see the better parts of other families before you know them in the beginning? That.
There were parts of my thinking that warped over time into an outwardly expressed persona that i didn’t recognize because i was so convinced my vows were law, which meant “I made my bed” etc. So i was going along to get along as they say somewhere. And because I was a wife in the 80s, in Texas, in another deeply dysfunctional family, married to an insecure violent man who found my passionate, liberal, kind, often positive outlook something intolerable (and his thinking was supported by a culture that did not care about my survival) i stayed.
These posts may or may not stir anyone’s heart about #whywomendontreport or #whyistayed. My hope is the next time someone hears about a woman who has been abused in any way, they’ll recognize: her complete focus is on staying alive.