Bruises fade. The unseen impacts of domestic violence last for decades. What you can see, can move you. What is invisible, or misunderstood, you might judge. Don’t do that. Listen if they’re ready to talk. Stand by them if they’re ready to leave. Help them find help when they’re ready to heal. None of it is linear. None of it is on your timeline. Healing takes time. Lots of it. If you or someone you know needs help: rainn.org @rainn thehotline.org #dva #metoo #whyididntreport #domesticviolence #domesticviolenceawareness The full series is here: DV A Series Trust Your Gut DV Is Common
If i had, I wouldn’t have been killed. I would have been dismissed. I would have gone back. I would have embarrassed him and would have paid a dear price. But I wouldn’t have been killed, and unless he was very convincing, I would not have been arrested. For too many domestic abuse victims, the reality is; they are doubly victimized by a shitty system that assumes they are suspect. Of something usually unrelated to their call for help with being abused. “In a 2015 survey by the National Domestic Violence Hotline, Eighty percent of the participants in the 2015
Humans are complex
Because the impact of dv doesn’t magically disappear when you leave. Dv survivors need access to mental & physical care and can’t always get it right away. When someone would tell me to get over it I could get pretty snippy, and still do (putting it mildly). The trauma my mind and body was subjected to needed healing. When I left, the course of my life was uncertain and my immediate concerns were job, kids, food, the thousands of other things it takes to (barely) maintain life. Therapy was not a priority, and frankly it didn’t come into my life
Like water over a rock
This one came from my abusive ex while we were married, and sadly, from my mother’s oldest son years after I left. It comes in the form of “get over it” too. When a person has been in an abusive relationship for a long time, it takes a long time to process or come to peace and heal themselves. Everyone’s long time is different. It’s been 21 years for me. In 1997 I had developed very few coping skills after an 18 year battle filled marriage. I learned no relationship skills in my dysfunctional origin family, which is still deeply
Uncharted waters
Not a question but it was said to me multiple times after I left. Look at my “why didn’t you tell anyone?” and “how could you put up with that?” posts after you read this, they give more on my mindset being in an abusive marriage…and staying. Here are more thoughts: My mind, my soul, my body, were in persistent defense mode. What would set him off? What would he do to me after a night out and something tiny pissed him off? If his day was shit, my day was shit. He isolated me from my (granted very dysfunctional)
This question is yesterday’s news… It’s 30 years ago news for Peri Johnson. It’s hundreds of years of news for women around the world. It’s hundreds of years of us turning our backs on women of color, who fight on. It’s decades of trans people being kicked aside. It’s churches at their core. It’s LGBTQ people being silenced. It’s today’s agenda for abusers. It’s today’s defense strategy for dv victims. It’s white conservative women’s (and too many progressive women’s) internalized misogyny. This question is yesterday’s news…yesterday’s vote and the recent SCOTUS vote. Victim blaming. Fuck that. The full series is
Keep the door open
It seems easy, or obvious a victim of domestic violence should tell someone, because someone can help, right? Many dv survivors don’t talk about it until after they leave. They’re judged harshly for it. From the outside: People in a dv situation are isolated. Even when the outside world experiences them as outgoing, confident, and successful, they’re isolated. Contradictions like that lend to the fucked up way our #culture dismisses, shames, and outright doesn’t believe #dv victims. Dave Pelzer wrote about his abuse as a child and has persistently been dismissed like Dr. Ford is now. More headlines about Nigella
Love turning to hate
In writing this series, I’m also sharing questions people asked me after I left an abusive 18 year marriage and divorced in 1997. People still ask them of people who leave today. Why did you put up with that? Looking back, there were signs of course. I was young and looking for a way out of my dysfunctional origin family so it was easy to overlook red flags and jump into a very bad situation. I was immature and had no example of healthy intimate relationships. Toxic people were normal to me so he felt familiar. We were 7 years
Leaving DV is complicated
Intimate partner violence is so common, it’s considered the singe greatest cause of injury to women (re Domestic Violence Intervention Program). We don’t see it in the news except at hot point moments like the recent SCOTUS dumpster fire. It can take multiple tries for someone experiencing ipv to leave for good. That might sound surprising. A person who experiences ipv lives with familiarity and fear, and likely cptsd, especially if they’re in a long relationship. Once they come to believe they could leave, they weigh everything: kids, finances, housing, internal trauma, who to tell. That’s for someone in a
One step at a time
If you suspect something’s happening, trust your gut. Safely check in with them: *Be direct and say you’re worried. *Don’t judge. *They may not be ready to leave (took me the last 7 years of 18 yrs of abuse). *Give them 1000 chances to talk to you. *When they’re ready, trust them 100% Domestic violence happens in every identifying group, every culture, every range of wealth, every age, every religion, every range of education. #domesticviolence #domesticabuse #believesurvivors #whyididntreport #whywomendontleave DV A Series Trust Your Gut DV Is Common How Could You Put Up With That? Why didn’t you tell anyone?
The long road
October was domestic violence awareness month. Remember way back in October? Seems like a few lifetimes ago. It’s been a challenging couple of years for any of us who have experienced domestic abuse. The election. The constant fire hose of soul cutting abuse from the long eroded offices we supposedly chose in any given race. Dr. Ford was the strength so many of us continue to work hard to find. She, like Dr. Hill, stood for us. The SCOTUS outcome was what many of us expected and all of us will be impacted for decades by one more misogynistic sexual
I read Jessica Valenti’s article “How Very Bad Men Get Away With Rape” and her point that it takes a village to let or help the few men who do rape skate by over and over was spot on. And infuriating. Women in America are mandated to wear the shame and guilt of being abused. It happens rampantly on social media, clearly it’s a model in government; many of us have experienced it at work and it’s perpetuated in our own families when misogyny is passed on or internalized. This expectation we behave by wearing the guilt and shame of
Image Chuck Schumer
I’ve read enough of the posts from people telling us to ignore the fact that Chuck Schumer caved on the now infamous fast track of 7 judges last week. Life time appointments. And we’re all going to get the privilege of another back stabbing when Chuck helps this administration get 8 more judges fast tracked as this new week opens. I mean hell, if he were a woman you’d be hearing from every outlet about this bullshit. Amanda Marcotte, I love you. Schumer caved. We get it there are hard decisions to be made. Don’t patronize us. In this toxic
Image Abuse Of Power Comes As No Surprise
We see this at work in courts, in entertainment, the catholic church, silicon valley, in homes, offices…on and on. In 2018 America women are not only defending ourselves individually against predators, we’re fighting for the men and anyone else who say they’re our advocates, to take action and hold predators accountable. The problem we have is a cultural one where somehow it’s fine to re gift a sexual predator his career while making no effort to change the systems that welcome these men to offices of power where they vilely abuse it, show themselves to be predators and ruin the

It’s Grave copyright 2019. All rights.