1. Reign in your perspective.

If you love someone who has been abused, let them help you find ways to help. That doesn’t mean sit back and wait for them to tell/ask/reach out. It’ll be a confusing time for both of you until they start to understand what it is they want or need from life. And that understanding will change. Often. Try not to look at it from the way you experience life, their internal struggle is immense.

Someone I met soon after I left told me I was protected by god while in my 18 year persistently abusive marriage because who knows what else would have happened to me, a young woman, if i were alone.

Of course that’s bullshit. At the time though, I was in such deep need to connect, to learn, and to be normal. The responsibility of three children’s lives, who would eventually develop their own relationships with their father, on top of my pain while not knowing how to navigate him being forced in my life, delayed my healing by many years.

For a couple of years after I left, my core group of 4 friends were my rocks. As our lives took different directions, less so. Friendships change, no doubt. We were on similar footing until a few years after I divorced and that commonality of experience changed. I was invited less, calls of support stopped, it impacted our kids too…that band of extended family dissolved. My healing did not match their time frame. And I couldn’t express to them at the time what I really needed.

That’s reality. It’s on you as part of their village to recognize their grief will be something unpredictable throughout their life. To understand they will not know how to ask for help or know what they need sometimes.

For many survivors, their network of support will fade or immediately disappear. It’s important to understand grief, anger and healing do not abide timeframes and will surface and resurface.

#health #feminism #healing #domesticviolence #abuse #recovery #life #joy #grief #anger #metoo #believesurvivors #gaslighting #toxicrelationships #abusiverelationships

You can find my whole series on Domestic Violence here.