Here’s the thing with this cultural concept of forgiveness: for some people, it works. For many many many people, it is not a good or healthy solution. Forgiving forces us to include the person who has harmed us. It causes another form of harm. As in: if you can’t/don’t’/won’t forgive, you’re not good, strong, healthy, living your best life. I call bullshit on that.
If you’re privileged to have a community of people who’ve helped you in the past for any reason, you’re #privileged. Not lucky. Privileged.
Your #privilege is a shareable, reusable, non expiring resource.
Step 1: Reign in your perspective.
This one came from my abusive ex while we were married, and sadly, from my mother’s oldest son years after I left. It comes in the form of “get over it” too. When a person has been in an abusive relationship for a long time, it takes a long time to process or come to peace and heal themselves. Everyone’s long time is different. It’s been 21 years for me. In 1997 I had developed very few coping skills after an 18 year battle filled marriage. I learned no relationship skills in my dysfunctional origin family, which is still deeply dysfunctional. My exes family is as well. Therapy has been life altering for me. It’s great to have a professional eye on my perception of the world. And between my messed up family and the length of time it’s taken me to process 18 years of abuse, there is no…
There were parts of my thinking that warped over time into an outwardly expressed persona that i didn’t recognize because i was so convinced my vows were law, which meant “I made my bed” etc. So i was going along to get along as they say somewhere. And because I was a wife in the 80s, in Texas, in another deeply dysfunctional family, married to an insecure violent man who found my passionate, liberal, kind, often positive outlook something intolerable (and his thinking was supported by a culture that did not care about my survival) i stayed.
This question is yesterday’s news… It’s 30 years ago news for Peri Johnson. It’s hundreds of years of news for women around the world. It’s hundreds of years of us turning our backs on women of color, who fight on. It’s decades of trans people being kicked aside. It’s churches at their core. It’s LGBTQ people being silenced. It’s today’s agenda for abusers. It’s today’s defense strategy for dv victims. It’s white conservative women’s (and too many progressive women’s) internalized misogyny. This question is yesterday’s news…yesterday’s vote and the recent SCOTUS vote. Victim blaming. Fuck that. You can find my whole series on Domestic Violence here.
If you suspect something’s happening, trust your gut. Safely check in with them: *Be direct and say you’re worried. *Don’t judge. *They may not be ready to leave (took me the last 7 years of 18 yrs of abuse). *Give them 1000 chances to talk to you. *When they’re ready, trust them 100% Domestic violence happens in every identifying group, every culture, every range of wealth, every age, every religion, every range of education. #domesticviolence #domesticabuse #believesurvivors #whyididntreport #whywomendontleave You can find my whole series on Domestic Violence here.
Dr. Ford was the strength so many of us continue to work hard to find. She, like Dr. Hill, stood for us. The SCOTUS outcome was what many of us expected and all of us will be impacted for decades by one more misogynistic sexual predator who expected he was entitled to every body he assaulted.