SydGrave

This country ’tis of thee

Self loathing. Narcissism. America. The patriot’s reflection. This country you say you love? You have to hold it accountable. It was and is still being built on death. It was and is still being built by people who kill, rule, own, cage, other people. It was and is still being built by people who will protect their building of it with your ruin. It was never great. May never be. It’s why old men who are not coming along with understanding do not deserve the microphone. Or a seat on the stage. It’s why entitled little boys grow into ignorant, vile men. who become front runners. who become judges with impunity. who don a belt and badge to murder. who warp their perversion into someone else’s fault. who paint women insane when they expect to stand toe to toe. who drag her off a bed and strangle her while raising…

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Gentleman Jack Review

Dan Savage called it a slow moving pbs special-like show. Nah Dan, the sex you’re looking for will probably have to be interpreted; the tempo is there from moment one. Gentleman Jack is Sally Wainwright’s absolute passion project borne out of her discovery of and deciphering portions of Lister’s journals which include Lister’s detailed descriptions of her sexual encounters. This review covers episode one. Gentleman Jack’s first episode is very good. It’s immediate dive into Lister’s take them by the short hairs persona is no small part of what’s so great about Sally Wainwright’s show. Her clothes, her stride, she with her father sitting silently beside her in the pub collecting rents standing up to meet the disrespectful man tenant nose to nose, assuring he will honor his contract (the nose to nose stance is one of my favorites about the character). That Lister seems to be a respected member…

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All you need to do is forgive

Here’s the thing with this cultural concept of forgiveness: for some people, it works. For many many many people, it is not a good or healthy solution. Forgiving forces us to include the person who has harmed us. It causes another form of harm. As in: if you can’t/don’t’/won’t forgive, you’re not good, strong, healthy, living your best life. I call bullshit on that.

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Like water over a rock

Why are you playing the victim?

This one came from my abusive ex while we were married, and sadly, from my mother’s oldest son years after I left. It comes in the form of “get over it” too. When a person has been in an abusive relationship for a long time, it takes a long time to process or come to peace and heal themselves. Everyone’s long time is different. It’s been 21 years for me. In 1997 I had developed very few coping skills after an 18 year battle filled marriage. I learned no relationship skills in my dysfunctional origin family, which is still deeply dysfunctional. My exes family is as well. Therapy has been life altering for me. It’s great to have a professional eye on my perception of the world. And between my messed up family and the length of time it’s taken me to process 18 years of abuse, there is no…

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Uncharted waters

You stayed so long. It couldn’t have been that bad

There were parts of my thinking that warped over time into an outwardly expressed persona that i didn’t recognize because i was so convinced my vows were law, which meant “I made my bed” etc. So i was going along to get along as they say somewhere. And because I was a wife in the 80s, in Texas, in another deeply dysfunctional family, married to an insecure violent man who found my passionate, liberal, kind, often positive outlook something intolerable (and his thinking was supported by a culture that did not care about my survival) i stayed.

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What did you do?

This question is yesterday’s news… It’s 30 years ago news for Peri Johnson. It’s hundreds of years of news for women around the world. It’s hundreds of years of us turning our backs on women of color, who fight on. It’s decades of trans people being kicked aside. It’s churches at their core. It’s LGBTQ people being silenced. It’s today’s agenda for abusers. It’s today’s defense strategy for dv victims. It’s white conservative women’s (and too many progressive women’s) internalized misogyny. This question is yesterday’s news…yesterday’s vote and the recent SCOTUS vote. Victim blaming. Fuck that. You can find my whole series on Domestic Violence here.

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One step at a time

Trust your gut

If you suspect something’s happening, trust your gut. Safely check in with them: *Be direct and say you’re worried. *Don’t judge. *They may not be ready to leave (took me the last 7 years of 18 yrs of abuse). *Give them 1000 chances to talk to you. *When they’re ready, trust them 100% Domestic violence happens in every identifying group, every culture, every range of wealth, every age, every religion, every range of education. #domesticviolence #domesticabuse #believesurvivors #whyididntreport #whywomendontleave You can find my whole series on Domestic Violence here.

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The long road

Domestic Violence. A series.

Dr. Ford was the strength so many of us continue to work hard to find. She, like Dr. Hill, stood for us. The SCOTUS outcome was what many of us expected and all of us will be impacted for decades by one more misogynistic sexual predator who expected he was entitled to every body he assaulted.

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Image Chuck Schumer

The Schumer Strategy: Disengage progressive voters with betrayal after betrayal

Schumer caved. We get it there are hard decisions to be made. Don’t patronize us. In this toxic climate though, it has become clear he’s forgotten the decisions to be made are how to find the ways to stop this corrupt, vile, destructive administration from wreaking decades of damage on us citizens through these appointments. Schumer looked past that fact and stuck us with judges who now have the freedom to flex in any direction they like. Calling them uncontroversial is Schumer’s and his aide’s lazy way of telling us to not worry our pretty little heads.

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